We’ve all seen couples bickering and making a scene in public (and secretly loved it!) But Miss Manners reveals to us the mature, good mannered approach to handling public displays of aggression.
I have only ever witnessed one public fight which was remotely entertaining, and that was because the woman took the gigantic bouquet of roses her partner had just given her – presumably he’d been a bad, bad boy – and smashed them over his head. Have you ever seen a bouquet of roses explode? Neither had I. Several people applauded.
Petal explosions aside, public fighting is – let’s be honest – never OK. Not if he’s turned up with his new girlfriend to your son’s birthday party. Not if he’s turned up four hours late to a restaurant. Not even if he’s turned up drunk to a work party celebrating your promotion. Never. OK.
There are a few reasons for this. One is that, cleansing and healing as screaming your head off in front of witnesses may feel at the time, an audience just means people will be talking about you for weeks afterward. Dirty laundry needs no airing, mostly because other people love to see it; imagine how much more rabid the fascination would have been about Brad and Jen’s break-up if they’d actually talked about it. Besides, public damage is always harder to mend than private damage, because you’re adding embarrassment and exposure to anger.
There are, of course, situations in which people need to be told immediately that they’ve crossed the line. If you can’t possibly keep your rage in any longer, find somewhere private, drag them into it, and express things in a whisper. I know a woman who keeps a particular broom closet in her house slightly ajar whenever she has parties, for precisely this reason. (She removes the key, though, as apparently a woman once locked her misbehaving husband in there and only let him out four hours later.)
Behaving like the publicly furious Carrie in Sex & The City: The Movie (or, indeed, most of the Sex & The City series – Samantha’s papering of her neighbourhood with pictures of her cheating boyfriend being a case in point) may feel good, but it’s not worth it. You’ll get a reputation as unreasonable or hysterical, and that’s rarely impressive, particularly to bosses or workmates who rely on you.
Calm yourself. Breathe deeply. And for heaven’s sake, don’t sulk – no passive-aggressive behaviour is more unsightly than somebody insisting in a small voice “No, I’m OK” while sighing into the salad. Be a grown-up – which is, in the end, what having manners is all about.
Yours sincerely,
Miss Manners.
Miss Manners will be back next Wednesday. In the meantime, let us know what you think of this topic.