Are you being too nice? That may seem like a strange question because most of us would think that being nice is a beautiful way to be. But sometimes we are too nice. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all for being loving, kind and generous. Yet, I’ve noticed that sometimes, it isn’t always authentic.
By Christine Hassler
We are often too nice when we want someone’s approval or acceptance. Or we long for someone to like us and think we are a “good person.” Or when we are in the presence of someone who intimidates us or is in authority position. We may even be too nice when we want to avoid confrontation. I’ve seen myself do this in romantic relationships, friendships and even business negotiations. The result? Externally, I had the image of being a nice person, yet on the inside I felt unfulfilled and as though I was settling for less than I deserved.
We think that being nice will get the acceptance, approval, validation, or peace we desire, so we repress our true feelings. Playing nice may seem like a good idea at the time, but if it isn’t real, it’s going to create a whole lot of resentment down the track.
Can you relate to playing nice when you actually feel dismissed, upset, not seen or misunderstood in some way? A lot of us do this because it’s scary to be vulnerable. We put what the other person’s reaction or perception of us first. How many times have you put on a happy face and pretended as though nothing were wrong, hoping that niceness would provide the experience in a relationship you sought.
But what ends up happening is all the suppressed feelings stack up and build resentment inside of us. Not only do we start to feel resentful toward someone else because we feel like a doormat, we start to feel resentful toward ourselves by not speaking our truth.
So how do we stop killing ourselves with [inauthentic] kindness?
The answer is not to be a jerk or bitchy. It is simply to be honest and vulnerable. Sharing our true feelings and experience of something is the nicest thing we can do for ourselves, and ultimately for others as well. And when you’re communicating honestly using ownership language and not blaming anyone else, you can express what you feel with integrity. For instance, “When you xyz, the experience I have inside is xyz” or “When this happens, I feel…”
Loving kindness is not about being a passive pushover. Loving kindness is about being authentic. Our authentic nature is Love. And Love accepts everything – all our thoughts and feelings are loved by Love. Love yourself enough to honour your experience by telling the truth. This is what will keep you from building up resentment towards others and yourself.
Resentment creates a block to the awareness of your true loving nature. Without resentment in your way, you are able to forgive others who you judge as not that nice. You will be able to love others in spite of their behaviour and you will be inspired to act with loving kindness, which is the nicest thing to do.
For more information visit https://www.christinehassler.com/
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