The issue relating to sex is a common one within a relationship and a problem that can lead to misunderstanding, frustration, anger, withdrawal and can leave a good relationship on the edge of break up.
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SEX, how often and when?
In most relationships, it is common that he wants more sex than her or she isn’t as interested in sex as much as he is. This is normally the case particularly after a few years together and this difference can escalate anxiety and tension within the relationship. Sex is personal and intimate and not often discussed. It may be spoken about at times with friends in relation to a comment or complaint, however it is not discussed between the couple to manage or resolve an issue.
The most common issue is she is busy, tired, and not interested in what she may see as his requirement for sex. She distances herself from him, goes to bed earlier or later, stays on her side of the bed, withdraws from cuddling and touching because she knows if she shows any affection he immediately wants to jump into having sex.
The first thing couples need to understand is the difference between the man and the woman in regards to sexual drive and expectations. With most men and women, he wants sex considerably more often than she does.
Sex is Wonderful – at the Start
Early in the relationship sex is wonderful, even amazing. We feel euphoric, satisfied and not only do we both enjoy regular sex, we hunger for it. It feels great, brings closeness, intimacy and a feeling of togetherness that is special. As your relationship progresses, usually after three to five years, the feelings once generated sexually can change. Not for better or worse, just different, although some partners complain it is worse. We may still enjoy the sex; but there is less longing, less intimacy, often doesn’t last as long, yet still nice.
This is where couples need to learn and understand this initial sexual feeling of lust from when they first meet and date will change. If the couple can understand the sexual needs and expectations of their partner, this can assist them both in recognising where this response or lack of response is coming from. We take it personally if our partner rejects our sexual advances, however this is sometimes misunderstood. It is not necessarily a rejection of the person, just the act of sex.
Males and Females are Sexually Different
If we can start to understand the difference between the male and female it may make it easier. Males can become sexually interested by a touch, a smile, a thought, a picture, anything really. When reciprocation of these urges and feelings are not forth coming there is a considerable letdown and decline of emotion. Often the male can become frustrated or snappy. These responses from him lead to a further shut down from her.
One of the biggest problems a woman indicates regarding intimacy and sex with her male partner is whenever she shows any affection toward him it results in a sexual grab or grope. The female just wants to cuddle, hug, kiss and to be affectionate to her partner, without this leading to sex.
The male believes it is normal once we hit the sack, it is time for sex; however the female does not seem to be able to get him to understand the difference between sex and intimacy, which is generally the female requirement before sex. The unfortunate truth is that the male partner may sometimes display more intimacy to the bottle of beer he drinks after work each day than the partner with whom he shares his life.
Most females require a degree of intimacy when engaging in sex. It is a gender thing. Men do not require this as much, if sex is possible, they are ready to go and jump in on a seconds notice. The female usually takes longer to escalate sexually. There are however some females who have a large sexual drive and some males may have a lower sexual drive. I am speaking for the larger percentage of population.
While men seem to believe foreplay is a sexual thing, it isn’t, not for a female in a long-term relationship. Foreplay is to do with him, the person, the man and the manner in which he acts towards her. The woman needs her man to be respectful, courteous, attentive, thoughtful, affectionate and happy. She needs him to speak nicely, not be angry or snappy and more than anything, to listen and understand how she feels.
Why does Sex seem to Decline After Marriage?
When a commitment is made, sex is often the thing that declines. The partners are committed forever, they will be with each other forever, nothing is urgent now and this is often where the female starts to think, well I am not ‘putting out’ every night or two anymore or forever, especially if he won’t work towards giving me something back. The female needs intimacy, help around the house, time together alone and not always with mates. The male is often confused to what has happened and changed a year or two into the marriage or not long after the child is born. To the female it may make perfect sense, but the male might not be so quick to catch on.
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